Question: “Hi 🙂 I hope you don’t mind me sending a question. What is the Buddhist solution to dealing with betrayal? Someone has done something to me and I know that I should forgive them, but I’m really struggling.”
It’s human nature to feel “betrayed” or hurt when someone we care about does something to us to make us feel that way. And sometimes those people turn around and beg for our forgiveness, giving you back that power they took. But really, we always have that power. We sometimes think when we forgive someone it is for their sake, so that person can feel better about themselves knowing you “forgave” whatever it is they did.
But really, forgiveness is never for the other person. Nothing changes in the world when we utter the words “I forgive you.” It isn’t a magic spell that will cure all hurt. Forgiveness is always for ourselves. Often times we’ll say to someone we forgive them just for their sake, so that they can feel better, but it still doesn’t make us feel better.
From a Buddhist perspective, if someone does or says something “bad” to you, that we should in a way just shrug it off. Because why let it affect us? If someone calls you a fat flying purple cow, do those words actually turn you into a fat purple flying cow? I wouldn’t mind being a flying cow, but unfortunately someone calling me that won’t turn me into it. So why care? We care because we have an ego.
It is our ego that make us “who we are.” It is our ego that is constantly saying “I am Quang Trí. I am a writer and a blogger. I know this and that, and I’m very knowledgable in this and that, and I know a lot about this and that, and I can do all sorts of this and that, etc.” It is also our ego that sparks the thoughts of anger, greed, and ignorance when unpleasant things happen.
So in our Buddhist practice, we practice “trimming the ego tree into a shrub.” We can’t and shouldn’t necessarily rid our ego all together, because it’s what makes us who we are. BUT, we should rid of the improper thoughts, words, and actions it makes us think, say, or do. It is definitely not a quick fix. It will take years of diligent practice to cast off the negative habitual things we’ve learned to think, say, or do our entire lives.
So what do we do? We practice mindfulness. The popular saying “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is exactly what we practice. Because think about it, would you rather take what someone said or did to you and hang onto that anger, allowing those negative seeds to grow and cause you suffering; or would you rather accept what what said or done and just let it go, free from any suffering from it? I’m pretty sure we want the second option.
We must practice mindfulness all day, everyday. Mindfulness is not just when we sit down to meditate or practice. Mindfulness can be practiced with everything that we do in our daily lives. Mindfulness just means to be aware of what we are doing. On a daily basis we all have our normal routines. These routines become so habitual that an entire day can pass and we don’t really know what we did. But if we practice mindfulness, we can savor and enjoy our days and feel refreshed and at ease. So when we wake up in the morning, we should be mindful of when we are opening our eyes and seeing the warm sun rays of a beautiful new days. As we get up and out of bed, we are mindful that we are moving, standing, and walking. We simply just make small mental notes of what we are doing. Even when we are showering and brushing our teeth. Feel how the water feels on our skin and when we’re brushing our teeth. When we eat, be mindful of how the food tastes and feels. Note its texture and consistency. Be mindful when walking out the house to our car, and when we’re driving or riding.
With mindfulness, we can “pause” our thoughts as they arise when things are said or done to us. Mindfulness gives us the opportunity to “freeze time” and think about what just happened first before we react. It will take practice and patience, and sometimes we’ll forget, but in time we can accept, forgive and forget, and move on right on the spot.
Smile and be well!