Question: “Hi and thank you for your time. Lately I’ve been having issues with my temper. I get angry and annoyed so often and I can’t hold my anger back towards the people around me. They start to hate me and now I’m all alone. I don’t know what to do. I can’t just find other people and I need to fix myself first.. The people around don’t care about my apologies and now I won’t have any friends for a really long time.”
The majority of people think that when they are angry it’s because something externally has caused that anger. Whether it’s someone that didn’t do something they said they would, a driver cutting you off on the highway, someone calling you names, etc. Most people lash out to whatever is “causing” their anger. But anger itself is not really a thing. It’s not something we can touch, hide, or burry in the ground. Anger is a state of mind. Our mind. So that means it is something coming only from ourselves and not from external circumstances.
I used to have a really bad habit of blaming people and things for something that angered or frustrated me. It was always something or someone else’s fault. One day when I was going off about something that I don’t even remember what about, someone said to me, “But why?” That simple phrase woke me up. As I tried to explain why I was angry, they again would ask me, “But why?” over and over again whenever I gave an explanation. Eventually at the end of my list of reasons I had no answers or reasons to blame fault on that person. And then my answers started with “Because I…” My anger was now my fault.
There is so much hate, ignorance, and anger in the world. Everyone is blaming everyone else. No one is taking blame. We can clearly see that in today’s world. So it’s important to sit down, close your eyes, and meditate. Bring something up that is causing you anger and contemplate on it. Keep asking yourself, “Why am I angry? Why does this cause me anger?” Eventually after peeling through all the reasons, you will get to the core of that anger. From there you can hold onto that core and eradicate it. Sometimes that core is a real thing or person in life that we might have to depart with.
But we always must remember, anger is temporary and artificial. When you are in a situation where you feel anger arising, stop everything and take 3 deep breaths and tell yourself “This anger is not real. I will think/act logically with mindfulness and not with my temporary emotions.”
Reprogramming our mind to think mindfully like that will not be easy and quick. It is going to take a lot of practice, time, diligence, and patience. Have something on you at all times that can remind you to stay mindful. This can be a special bracelet, necklace, or mala. I have a small mala on my wrists for that reminder. Because I can hear the beads moving, that sound is my reminder to breathe, think, say, and do things with mindfulness.
Smile and be well!