Question: “Hi, I’m a Buddhist looking for peace of mind. I have so much pain and stress from all the relationships I’ve been in. I feel like being in a relationship or loving someone always end up giving me such agony. From what I’ve studied, love isn’t spoken much in Buddhism. Are we better of being alone so that we won’t be vulnerable enough for others to hurt us? Where does Buddhism stand when it comes to love and relationship? Thank you in advance :)”
Buddhism is all about love and compassion, the two words are sometimes used interchangeably, but Buddhism definitely emphasizes love, because you can’t win with violence and anger, only with love and kindness.
You don’t have to be alone. The Buddha said that we didn’t have to renounce the world, our family, or friends to be on the path of Enlightenment, that’s why he shared his teachings with everyone, because everyone has the possibility to find Enlightenment, whether lay person or monastic.
The reason people hurt us, cause us suffering, pain, agony, etc., is because we let them. In Buddhism there’s no blame, we don’t blame others – you’re the only person to blame for your suffering. Why? Because you allowed that person to hurt you. Just because they broke up with you or hurt your feelings, they didn’t do anything wrong. What was wrong is you allowed yourself to attach to them and let your ego depend on them, so if something went wrong or ended, you’re the one to suffer.
Attachment is one of the main causes of suffering. We attach to people, our cars, houses, electronics, etc. We’re saddened when they leave or break because we think we need them. You don’t need anything. All you need is yourself. Only you can make yourself happy. This isn’t easy. Getting over attachment is extremely difficult because we’re curious, social animals and we’re always going to want the newest gadgets, a big group of friends, people to want/love us, a nice car and house, etc. So the best thing to do is try to lessen the need for things and people. If you think you just HAVE to have a Starbucks everyday, try cutting down a day every week. Or if you go grocery shopping and have to have the best stuff and only buy brand products, try not to (because sometimes they’re (off-brand) even better!) And eventually you can work with the notion of not having to have someone in your life. Because once you stop feeling sad and stop suffering because one of your favorite things broke, your car broke down, a friend moved away, or someone broke up with you – when these things don’t cause you to suffer too much, you’ll be a much happier person.
It’s extremely important that you remember everything is impermanent. Everything will age, wither, and break. Everyone will grow old, get sick, and die. So even if you found your “soul mate,” got married and spend the rest of your lives together, you’re still going to suffer. Because you’re still going to age, get sick, and die. If your partner dies first, that’s suffering for you. If you die first, that’s suffering for them. There’s no exit. But routinely meditating on impermanence will greatly help you. Everything will eventually die. Even tall, strong building will eventually collapse. Even rocks will eventually wither away from water and air. Nothing will last, so when you finally truly realize that, after every break up, heartache, or death, it’ll be easier for you to be mindful of the impermanence of those things and know that they were bound to end eventually.
Just remember no one can make you happier than you can make yourself. We are our strongest and best partner. The Universe and your Karma will eventually send you someone that will help you realize that. So don’t try and go after and look for them, let them come to you, but you must stop looking or they’ll walk right pass you!
Smile and be well!